Things I Did When I Didn’t Have the Strength

Things I Did When I Didn’t Have the Strength

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I made tea sometimes
Lived on coffee just to get through
Talked to the suicide line
Even though it was awful mostly
There was the occasional random
Cool person who said the right words & inspired me
but mostly shut up and listened and said insightful things
when they did speak
I stayed awake all night
To avoid nightmares
I talked all night
To avoid nightmares
I took herbs
I stopped eating
I ate chocolate, (dark only)
tried to give up tea
and coffee mostly
I managed to get to the store
And was comforted when the security guy smiled and was kind
I shared a poem
I stayed alive
Just stayed
I tried to call rape crisis
I called rape crisis
I called out loud and
put the phone down every time they
said “your twenty minutes is up”
This
Is an insult to survivors
I registered a complaint with the charity commission
against the dire verbal abuse by   victim support operatives
at an organisation
who mainly seemed to undermine
I talked with other women
about setting up our own

I found new female friends also survivors
Who are like me
Doing powerful artistic work
Or inspiring groundbreaking work
Spoke out even just on a place like face book
Somebody heard
I stopped accepting a pat on the head
Not that I ever did
I blocked ass holes
I filed a police complaint
I made lists of things I had done
When nobody else did
I told other survivors how amazing they are
I told other people who supported me
How amazing they are
I noticed I felt a little chink of amazing coming through
I planted seeds
I watered them when I had the energy
I opened the door sometimes and looked at them
I took photos of sunflowers to show how things can grow from

A little seed
And I told people sometimes my
Agoraphobia was so bad
I could not even open the window for six months after
The man raped me
I stopped saying I got raped
and used the form: a man raped me
I wrote a letter to send to every neighbor
Imploring them
Not to open the door to the perpetrator
I named him
If the police are useless, I am not
I have the power and the right to do this
If you will not protect me
I will speak up myself
I remembered the power of my own voice
I locked my bedroom door
And I slept
I woke in the morning and felt
A little chink of grateful
A little chink of love
I made tea
I thought about making music again
That was a start
I went to a live music venue with a friend
I sat through the concert and I begun to
enjoy it even though I felt like leaving
after ten minutes and
I enjoyed it more
as the afternoon went on
When I got stressed I left the situation
I did not go back to a healer
Who made me feel uneasy
And inadequate
Despite his seeming magic powers
I remembered my
Own powers
And the people
Who appreciate them
I stopped waiting
Not that I ever did
Waiting sucks
Step foward
Move a little
Stir the pot
Agitate
Make time poems
Play with sound
Enjoy art
Let other people
Sometimes do the work for you
Appreciate them
Pay dues
Accept gifts
Resonate
Peace.
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And I made myself eat
Green vegetables
At least
Sometimes

©GS

Girl Survivor Logos created by Siobhan Sands
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#DontbeSilenced #BreaktheSilence #ThingsIdid #RapeSurvivor

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