Prayer for my Room

Prayer for my Room

I watch her
Violence happened here 
I can’t abandon her
No matter how much
I still hear her screams 
No matter how much
She burns 
Under the cold glare 
of police neutrality 
I always said I wouldn’t be that girl
To beg to plead
To tell a man no no please
Then there was me 
All words masked by my own screams
Humiliated to the position he wanted me
A voice exploding in my head
“I did not agree!”
No words came out
He crushed my breath 
With his weight
His force
His swear words
From pornography
I tried to move my hips 
But he was too heavy
I lay there waiting for him to complete

So every story
has 2 sides 
Yeah, Like this one 
and my room
He violated us both
And one at a time

People talk of the power of rape
I want to strip that all away
Like he stripped my dignity
Long before he stripped my clothes
I couldn’t see
No, the wood for the trees
Sparrow in a net
Rabbit in headlights
Caught in a machine
As he squeezed me thru
Unmoved by my pain
and hers
no one heard
No cliches no words like these express
My fear, terror 

One girl is not enough
It would take a posse of women
To heal this
All with real powers 
Like witches
They could take us
Burn us at the stake, yes
Steal our herbs away
Replace them with pharmacy 
Penises cast in stone
The injuries he caused
Leaving me to feel like 
jelly and bone
As my body wastes away
I cling to life
By telephone cord 
And dull -lit screen
Since no friends wanna come round any more 
Afraid to be faced with true life catastrophe
When in reality it’s just one girl  tryin’ to heal

My room is like a quiet woman
She hangs her head in shame
Trying to make sense
Of the pornographic storm
That shattered her face
But for a few stains
After some kind of a bomb went off here

Still I watch her
Still she grieves
Silently she weeps
No one sees

I couldn’t leave her
Just like one bereaved
I curl up by her belly 
And I try to sleep

Can I hope to 
Console her?

So many wakeful nights
No need for cctv
The whole horror show
Plays inside of me

The ultimate control
If he could
Impregnate me

I woke up and it was spring
Daffodils are blooming
Last time I looked it was cold
It was new year
It was January 
My clock stopped there 
Now it’s too hot
For my too many clothes
Im löst  
Im still picking up stuff
Dropped on the floor
that night
no one knows
The grief my cries 
For those missing months
My Time
Gone forever
Together with the parts of me
They scraped away 
In the gynae suite

Stop tellin me, try therapy
What d ‘ya know
I Did that already
Stop throwing me futile leads
Some things
Are deeper than that
This wound is more than a gash
In our background
Of rape culture
New men like vultures
Circling for prey
When they hear what happened 
It’s not your fault
They say
Who’ll be the first
To call me a liar
I heard all these pointless words before
I heard them in my head again
Before you ever said them this time
I already made my decision
To speak out about this crime
You ignored my ‘no ‘
When you set up the justice system
Just so

I don’t see you in the streets 
At parliament
Protesting my rights
No matter
How much your handwringing afterwards
Yet you say you care 
While Wanting to assert your
Domination everywhere

I pray for my room
I pray for the law
I don’t pray for your souls
I don’t forgive you
While you still make me live this
Put us thru
This Hell on earth
I don’t pray to your god
I pray to my own
I reject your useless angels
And suggestions to do meditation
to go away for the weekend
As if that
Would solve anything

Rearranging the furnishings
Replacing bedding
And redecorating
After rape
Did not remove his and all the other men’s hate
And the memories i can’t erase

Too traumatised to go to bed or take a shower
As it reminds me of that morning after when I stayed there for an hour
Washing myself
Washing myself
Over and over
No tears, 
Not like in the movies
They took a month to come
Crying til I’m numb
Now they wash my face
UnTil it Runs
You never heard sobs 
And wails like this one

Sometimes the tears fall silently 
But they’re always there
Like Under the bright light
Of the police statement room
It went out
As in a power cut
“It’s movement sensitive” 
The detective said
It could not detect life in that room
You were laid down so still
Talking in a whisper
With your eyes closed
The policewoman was concentrating 
So She forgot to move her arm
It all went dark
Stopped your words that came right out of your heart
It happens, he said.. 
Always I noticed at the crucial moment though

 So I  froze
Just Like in the rape 
I didn’t shed a tear for four hours
No break
I broke down in the control room After they turned off the tape
2 police stare 
“Why are you crying?” They say
Like they don’t care
I apologise for taking up space
I pull myself together

Stop telling me “it’ll be ok -”
“It’s good to Let it all out”
Stop telling me 
What this is about
While you reap the spoils
Strut and swagger
Raise your shouts
To drown out my whisper
Now my voice is almost lost
I realise what it was for
I recognise the cost 
I pray
for so much more

10 March 2017 –

Photo with thanks to Valentina Alexandrovna

#NotOkay #RapeSurvivor #DontBeSilenced #MajorityofRapesCarriedOutInOrNeartheVictimsHome
#GirlSurvivor #MyBody #PrayerformyRoom

if you’re a survivor and you want to get in touch, don’t be afraid to reach out x

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