All That’s Left of Me

All That’s Left of Me

No one can touch me
Except in that place
It’s like he reached in
and injected his hate
I was looking for comfort
Yes one day
maybe love and sex
He took it all there and then
Threw my kindness in my face
Together with my naivety and trust
He grinded me with his anger and lust
That reached far beyond me
Beyond from the realms of pornography
Hate Crime
Try being at the sharp end
The violence and pain
I asked him you won’t get nasty will you?
He asked me, Why ?
Is that what other guys have done with you?
I said there was no one
in a long time.
He carried on through my fear
And tore into my preciousness
As if it was nothing
I didn’t exist
My body a quiet dummy
He dominant and
Crushing my pelvis under his
My face a stupid scream cowering
You like me fucking you do you
Yeah yeah
Slamming me with full force of a man
I didn’t understand
My insides went numb
He asked me how he compared to other men
Afterwards shock and terror
An hour in the shower
I pull myself together
The pain and confusion
I looked for comfort
I found only hate
I sought kindness
He said
Are you kind of a shy person?
You obviously get a lot of attention from men
Maybe you don’t find me attractive do you do you
You’re beautiful
I bet you get that all the time tho don’t you
I was impressed you seemed genuinely touched
But Maybe it’s just false modesty
You’re the classic blonde beauty aren’t you
He kept holding my hair near the roots
A real blonde aren’t you
Maybe I’m not your type
I said no I ‘m looking for someone who’s gentle and kind
He says D’you get a lot of unwanted attention from guys?
I don’t want to be one of those men always pestering
He said you’re really a nice person aren’t you I think you might be the
sweetest person I ever met didn’t have you down for sexy poet you’re all
hearts and roses aren’t you
Let me look at your body
Haven’t you ever had sex with someone you didn’t really know?
“Are you really that fragile?”
“Yes”, I says
He asked me
Did another guy force you before?
He said I’d better not intimidate you
Maybe sex isn’t for you
If it hurt when I did it.

I say no the issue is not sex it’s consent
there are no other men
There is no comparison
There is only you
It’s just a misunderstanding
My face in the pillow cowering
He shouts at me
Is that a pattern with you and men?
Is that a pattern with you, you argue?
I pleaded for gentleness
please just come
I can’t take much more of this
Not understanding
What I was dealing with
He told me get on top of him
“Now you’re in control,” he said
His face a mask of anger
I realised it’s not passion I’m looking at
my screams that came with
Pain like being stabbed
He said you’re not very old are you? You’re quite young aren’t you?
I’m a lot older than you aren’t I? D’you know how old I am?
Kneeling on me asking to come on my breasts
Asked me to touch him
I was useless
Ok Just don’t do it in my face I says
He wrote me a letter complained he saw a sad look in my eye afterwards
Imagined me engulfed by demons and darkness and loneliness like a
sense of deja vu
Maybe he did it to someone else too
He wrote, I felt I was abandoning you
To a fate worse than death
When I left and your door closed behind me today
He put a curse
It’s like he knew
On the phone I cry “I said I didn’t want sex! ”
He says Yes. I know
I should have been more careful
I didn’t realise what was at stake.
It took a long time to get going
Because of your pain
It became unprotected intercourse
Because of your clenching
He didn’t explain why he been laughing
I’m laid there in shock he let me know the contraceptive was off -I’m on
my back , the room swims
Feeling violated and Ill -He joked about getting me pregnant now he’s
angry I got the morning after pill – he’d stood up and said “I’ve not been
tested in a long time” I turned on my face crying -he increase
yelling – soon after that he ask for sex again – now he says
I’m not saying you’re damaged goods .. but I had enough of the physical
I said I spent the afternoon in the hospital afterwards
He said, See, that’s what I mean.
He said Sex is the test
If there is no connection
and it’s true
I failed to satisfy him

We can still
talk play music, be friends ,
Until I say
I recognised this as his power game
He was angry cos he couldn’t have me
I tried to appease his low self esteem
Not realising the danger I was in
He already agreed what he was doing wasn’t nice ..
As he assaulted me
the first time
still forcing
he said
I guess I just find you irresistible
Grabbing me hard round my waist
As I lay turned away in sadness and pain
He said “I’ve never known a blonde”
Now he he says the one he violated he’s tried and doesn’t want
He says I’m saying this to protect us both
because I care
To my girlfriend who said he never bothered me, he’s awkward , he
rarely got a date
It wasn’t random -he stole the condoms from your room
He wasn’t over eager, a mistake- he set me up , he premeditated
It was late – he worked for you – you could have paid a cab to send him
on his way- i should never be left fending him off in the first place- I was
scared to press charges, you tried to dissuade.
For all my guy friends who like to speculate -about what could really
Saying Porn is a symptom, not a cause- probably cos you don’t wanna
give up yours
I spent way too much time trying to understand the feelings of a man who
never gave a shit about mine
For the guys who are dying for me to write .. who say you always
wondered what it was like –
You never got close to someone who knows .. let me tell you then, your
ears were closed .. one in four women ..
just listen ..

my doctor says , was he a coloured man? It says in the papers they’re the
ones always break the law – I says there’s plenty white guys committing
this crime – they just get away with it more- you, you’re a man of colour,
asking me that? – none of these myths help any of us, that’s for sure
Perpetrator told me he jerked off to porn-
When he’s not getting any, he said
I said its violent to females -it’s nasty
He asked me “who’s nasty? You mean the women nasty?”
I’m pretty sure he watched films that feature girls who look like me
He searched for my vulnerability
All the while shouting so I freeze – I reject what he asks me
He said “i might be on meds for all you know”
Afterwards , and his dark letter- I to told myself He was just bonkers-
Crazy -all the same -made
The pain easier to bear
But he can go all day at his work place without hurting anyone there
He chose and put me in a position of no choice.
I lost my voice for six weeks
The stress of trying to raise it to speak
I got doctors asking me when I last bleed
Abrasions on my sweet parts where he pounded me
I don’t wanna touch my own breasts let alone down there yes
Now I got to worry if I got the hiv
Do I leap off a high building
Just to be free
I’m a prisoner in my own crime scene
Will the police help me
Or is justice only for princesses
And for assailants with money to slay witnesses
Some days I can barely raise my head
I’m tormented by the things he did and said-
I m still raw – my private insides burning – and inflammation in my spine
where he jumped up and down on me – I’m not a machine -real live
Women can’t take the things you see in films
it’s like
Kind of hazy
But in sharp focus
My trauma on a tape loop
Full colour
24 hours
Now I sleep in my clothes
My body doesn’t feel like my own
The pain so deep inside my belly and vagina a cruel reminder
He came and did this in my home
He blagged his way in
Too strong a word
Terrified to say the reality of rape.

19 February 2017 –

This was the first thing I wrote afterwards – some people asked me to share it-
i wanted to relay what it is really like to go through something like this-
If you are reading this and you have experienced similar- Strength and hugs, respect.

#NotOkay #RapeSurvivor  #DontBeSilenced
#GirlSurvivor #MyBody #AllThatsLeftofMe

4 thoughts on “All That’s Left of Me

  1. I am so so incredibly sorry for what you went through. Your narrative is terrifying and gave me chills down to the bone. I really can’t even imagine. You did not deserve this and I hope you know that it was never your fault. You survived and you are strong for that, and even stronger for being able to write about it. You will undoubtedly help yourself and others going through something similar. Holding you in my heart – speak766

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Speak766, thank you so much- Your comment means a lot to me- I blamed myself for so many things- reading your words- I realise sometimes it is easier to blame yourself, easier than facing how powerless- Thank you for your support- I only started writing after this through friends/ people nagging me to write about it- which i resisted for ages- then one composer friend persuaded me- maybe try writing something- and that was the first piece- Ima gonna post the other ones like little episodes- some rape crisis branches in the UK asked me for copies- so now they can look here 😉 Bless you for being able to post your words here- it’s an honour to have you come by xx


  2. Much respect. I am a survivor and I’m not sure I’ll ever have the courage to put my experiences into words. I know it must not have been easy for you, but you give those of us who are afraid to speak, a voice. You have all my respect and support! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bless you dear Krystyntia, lovely of you to get in touch. Thank you so much for reading and commenting- That is pretty brave to me. If you want to put your experiences into words, you go ahead and write them down. Or tell them to whomever you trust. You don’t have to if you don’t want to and you are as courageous as me and anyone else here! So sorry you found yourself having to survive- so appreciate your reaching out – Please stay connected xx


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