My Body is a War Zone

My Body is a War Zone

My body is a war zone
Fields of devastation
Left on her barren plains
Bombs and rockets 
have exploded here.
I pick up the shattered pieces
And try to 
Put them back together
With tears
That will not come
Shaking and numb 
I make my way 
Across the battle ground
The used condoms
He tossed aside
For me to clear up
He derides
Yells at me
To pick up his clothes
“Pick up my pants!” He shouts
I bend down 
I acquiesce 
In silence
I do what he says

Am I broken?
I don’t know yet
he told me
“Sex is the test”
If there is 
No connection.
I failed
I showed emotion,
Only distress.
He complained
He saw
Sadness in my eye
I could not 
Pretend pleasure
Not even
For him
For this
My screams
Put him off 
His climax
His stroke 
Kept going
no blood
in me
I could not
My hips
My arms
I was stilled
To a silent 
Stunned rabbit.
Heart beat

These are
Some of 
The feelings
To the man 
Who rang me
Early morning
From the police

I’m not interested
In your feelings
He shouts
I’m not saying
I disbelieve you
He says
What is there
To disbelieve?
What is there
Left of me?

When I can
Still breathe
When my 
Has stopped
When I have
Woken still
On the floor
Once more
I could not 
The bed

You can
Judge me
I could not..
I failed

D’you want us
To investigate?!
He yells
Crack of dawn
Me, broken
Are you 
to co-operate?!
He interrogates
My broken body
My broken sobs
I say

“No,” is not a word
These men
Like this 
Can take
It’s the same
To them

No! a stifled scream
Held within,
Like my music
That stopped.
Like the blood
That ceased 
From my womb
That day,
The day
My everything
With his hard
Calloused being

His erection
That did not
Care for
My feeling
My pain
My screams
on repeat
Like a rhythm
My fear,
His aphrodisiac

My fear
My stillness
My quaking,
His opportunity 

He laughs at 
My terror
My horror
My sickness 
My devastate.
My room
That swims
Before his
Of Sudden fun
In all this 
Protection off,
Protection gone
The chance  
To force pregnancy
I believe

He knows 
he truly
The essence
Of me

“I’d better not 
intimidate you”
He’d said
My timidity
A station
Where he could park
His things
His anger
His directions
His misogyny
His pornographic dream

To my rising despair

He vents 
His demons
He tried
To bury them
Deep inside me
As he could squeeze..
As could be

We cannot compare it
To the personal trauma
That rages through veins
Pistol fire across my boundaries 
What he did
Broke me apart  
The pieces of shattered me
Cracked open
For everyone to see
Everywhere I turn
the perpetrator’s friends
What’s next? Public humiliation? 
Men like him
Are judge and jury

No locks changed
No alarms 
Can make me feel safe
He may come back again one day
The depth of this fear
I cannot explain.. 

he wrote me
a letter which says
“I felt I was
you to a fate
Worse than death” 
Like a prophecy
A hex 

Try talking therapy, they say
Are you joking?
As if I didn’t do that anyway
A prison 
I cannot escape
While he
Walks free
Every day
From this  war crime

I, still being tried
Still justifying
Still unable
To adequately explain
To fully comprehend

3 April 2017

They say rape is used as a weapon of war. I want to acknowledge that sexual violence is a very real war on women and girls in world wide culture, right here and now. And of course on the men and boys who have also been subjected to this dreadful act. We hear you too. To understand that this crime takes your soul and rearranges it into little shattered pieces. It takes your sexuality and drives a dagger through it. It takes your self esteem and screws it up and throws it away. It takes your former life and throws it out of the window. If you are still standing, sitting or even lying down and still breathing after that, you are a true survivor. Even if you think no one hears you, I hear you. Other survivors hear you. reach out and try to find. Never give up. People love you Xxx ©GS US rape crisis .800.656.4673
UK National rape crisis 0808 802 9999
Contact your sexual assault referral centre
SARC (or London Haven)

Photo with thanks to Christopher Campbell
#RapeSurvivor #MyBody #Myvoice #MyBodyisAWarZone #WeBelieveHer #WomensLivesMatter

He Drinks

He Drinks

He drinks
To blot things out
So he can shout
So he can hurt
To give him confidence in a crowd
To stop him feeling shy
So he can look a woman in the eye
To give him something
To hold in his hand
To feel like a big man
To smell of alchohol
So you can taste stale beer
So you can feel sick when he comes near
So you can know fear
So you can be afraid to shed tears
So you can be in a refuge for a year
So he can express his love
So he can show his hate
So he can cry when it is too late
So he can see your body shake
So he can eat and have his cake
So he can watch your heart ache
So he can justify his mistakes
To give him an excuse for what he did
and when he flips
So he can say he’s sorry it was just a blip
So you can blame something else when he hits
So he can get you to help him quit
So he can go into a jealous fit
So he can be hyped up
He can be a jealous nut
So he can be the absolute pits
So he can beat you with same old schtick
Bruise your skin that never did grow thick
Despite you know he’s a total prick
And what he says doesn’t mean shit
And no one understands
Why you put up with it
Every time he comes near you, you feel sick
He drinks and drinks
You pray it will end
It will change
So he can come into your room in a rage
It’s up to you to calm him or he’ll make you pay
Doesn’t matter what you say
What you gave
It’s up to you to save
To give him immunity
So he can rape with impunity
He drinks
He didn’t think
So he can say
It was just the drink

#HeDrinks #GirlSurvivor #Abuse #Consent #Woman #RapeSurvivor



From the ashes of my broken relationships
From the devastation of my rape
From the obliteration of men’s hate
From the accusations of privilege
by way of my perceived race
Rise from my woman’s place
On the receiving end of men’s hate
On the receiving end of men’s sex
As if I had no other purpose
But to serve their appetite I was born to sate

Rise from their mistakes
The ones for which they
Are never accountable

Rise away from my home
Of seven years
I am just supposed to up and leave like
Sand and mud
He displaced
With the hatred of his rape
the so- called witnesses
the neighbours
the friends of his
who mocked
My grief
who lied to police
Tried to silence
My cries for help
My pleas to keep
The perpetrator away
Just from my door
I didn’t ask for more

The outrage
That a man
Should have to do jail time
For anything
In this sham
They call the
Justice system
The criminal injustice of them
The way it is weighted in favour of men
Who can remove women from juries who judge them
Where they have peers as policemen
Laughing at my injuries
Sneering at my rape
Mocking my distress
Revelling in their own hate
Watching my face
For signs of shame

Their anger and rage
When I stared right back
Proud as ever
Met their eyes
Like a challenge
Instead of bowing my head
I look at them
and even a man that stupid
could read my mind

You didn’t do your fucking job
And you know it
You are a disgrace
And you know it
You are a perpetrator of hate
And you know it
You probably did the same thing
to your own wife
Last night
Just this morning
I can see it in your eyes
The guilt crystallised
In you fury
Your rage

You blast me from your side
Of the sapphire unit desk
You’re leaning over
Your nearly in my face
Your fat neck
Straining at your collar
The outrage
That a woman
stood up to you
The audacity.
No cctv
Tell me again
Why police never installed cctv in any of these
Where people die and are assaulted and are bullied and abused
The victims never leave or leave with injuries
While police walk away with impunity

Otherwise why you mocking the actions upon me of this guy
Why you working on the sexual offences unit?
mentality of
a sexual offender,
I mean how else do you explain your contempt of my gender?
you don’t give a shit about my trauma

Your shouting at me to listen to your voice over mine
When you were hired to crack this crime
The crime of drowning out the voices of females
Using our bodies
Then claiming it was our desire
How do I rise
From the ashes of this fire?
This funeral pyre
This fate worse than death
Which he, the rapist told police
he said yes
he wrote that her in a letter yes
within hours of his

supposedly consensual sex
that left me with injuries internally and
my pelvis
my neck
my psyche
my life
straight after his email read:
“I felt I was abandoning you
to a fate worse than death itself”
He said he wrote that- hell
“Detective Inspector” said
” We don’t know what it means.
We didn’t ask him.
It means nothing- less:
It is nothing”
The police meeting
about my rape
That was like attending an
Inquest into my own death

Rise rise
How do I rise
From this?
But I will
And you know I will
I don’t know how I will
But you know my will
and you and I know
I will

Months of prisoner in my own home
Afraid to go out
Just to get food
I’d rather not go out at all
Than go out dishevelled with
My head bowed
That is how proud

I stayed quiet all that time now
is how loud

I could not stand
So I fought lying down
Sitting at my desk
Crying down the phone
You didn’t help me
So I fought alone
You try to crush me
But I kept going
You shout me down
So I put it in writing
You ignore my letters
So I wrote poems
You bin them
So I put them on the internet and
Share them
I linked up with other women
Who went through the same thing
were treated the same way
Here I am again
To hold a mirror to your face
your disgrace
And you
see your own betrayal

You couldn’t reduce this
To something just for
Your thrill

Why oh why?
That is why
You try so hard
To crush my will
cropped-gs-header-miek ed 002*

drawing specially for Girl Survivor, by Miek Goris,

#DontbeSilenced #BreaktheSilence #Rise #RapeSurvivor

Things I Did When I Didn’t Have the Strength

Things I Did When I Didn’t Have the Strength

I made tea sometimes
Lived on coffee just to get through
Talked to the suicide line
Even though it was awful mostly
There was the occasional random
Cool person who said the right words & inspired me
but mostly shut up and listened and said insightful things
when they did speak
I stayed awake all night
To avoid nightmares
I talked all night
To avoid nightmares
I took herbs
I stopped eating
I ate chocolate, (dark only)
tried to give up tea
and coffee mostly
I managed to get to the store
And was comforted when the security guy smiled and was kind
I shared a poem
I stayed alive
Just stayed
I tried to call rape crisis
I called rape crisis
I called out loud and
put the phone down every time they
said “your twenty minutes is up”
Is an insult to survivors
I registered a complaint with the charity commission
against the dire verbal abuse by   victim support operatives
at an organisation
who mainly seemed to undermine
I talked with other women
about setting up our own

I found new female friends also survivors
Who are like me
Doing powerful artistic work
Or inspiring groundbreaking work
Spoke out even just on a place like face book
Somebody heard
I stopped accepting a pat on the head
Not that I ever did
I blocked ass holes
I filed a police complaint
I made lists of things I had done
When nobody else did
I told other survivors how amazing they are
I told other people who supported me
How amazing they are
I noticed I felt a little chink of amazing coming through
I planted seeds
I watered them when I had the energy
I opened the door sometimes and looked at them
I took photos of sunflowers to show how things can grow from

A little seed
And I told people sometimes my
Agoraphobia was so bad
I could not even open the window for six months after
The man raped me
I stopped saying I got raped
and used the form: a man raped me
I wrote a letter to send to every neighbor
Imploring them
Not to open the door to the perpetrator
I named him
If the police are useless, I am not
I have the power and the right to do this
If you will not protect me
I will speak up myself
I remembered the power of my own voice
I locked my bedroom door
And I slept
I woke in the morning and felt
A little chink of grateful
A little chink of love
I made tea
I thought about making music again
That was a start
I went to a live music venue with a friend
I sat through the concert and I begun to
enjoy it even though I felt like leaving
after ten minutes and
I enjoyed it more
as the afternoon went on
When I got stressed I left the situation
I did not go back to a healer
Who made me feel uneasy
And inadequate
Despite his seeming magic powers
I remembered my
Own powers
And the people
Who appreciate them
I stopped waiting
Not that I ever did
Waiting sucks
Step foward
Move a little
Stir the pot
Make time poems
Play with sound
Enjoy art
Let other people
Sometimes do the work for you
Appreciate them
Pay dues
Accept gifts
And I made myself eat
Green vegetables
At least


Girl Survivor Logos created by Siobhan Sands
#DontbeSilenced #BreaktheSilence #ThingsIdid #RapeSurvivor

We are Sovereign

We are Sovereign

weare sovereign sepia pink 13
It’s not a sign of
It’s pain
She who
Could not meet your eye
Lowers her gaze
Looks the other way

Each one of us
Holding secrets
That would blow your mind
Break your heart
Marriage and relationships
With nowhere else to go
Bringing violence right here in my bedroom
Unspeakable brutality home
To your sons, daughters
Normalising what should never be
Stealing our dignity

She says
“Each day
The sunsets
Oh god
Shake my body
I want to kill myself
My life is hell
He drink and drink
And then
He come into my room

I’m so angry
At the inactivity of men
To change anything
This is not a problem
Of women

The violence of men
Upon your sisters
you who turn your backs
Look away
Take advantage
All in your own way
Do nothing
To change the law
Make your own report
Get her to
Do what you want
Feed your sense of

You have no right
No right
Repeat after all of us
No right
To take away our rights
Destroy us inside
We owe you nothing

Each one human
Each one equal
Each one fuming
With the indignity
Of her wasted
Precious time
Her exploited
Precious life
Her voice that was
Drowned out
Her unheard shout

If you could put
The screams
The horror
If all the worlds women
End to end
There would be
No silence
No indifference
No submissiveness
No war on helpless poor
Young girls who never saw
Any other way of life
No power cut

All our energy could
Light up cities
No silence
No quietude
No punishment
Of the feminine
No shame
No victim blame
No embarrassment
Just in feeding our children

No women’s problems
They belong to humans

We are sovereign
We are human
We are queen
We are you

Sex is not violence
Sex is not degradation
Sex is not
Against my will
Sex is not fear

Love making
Is not hate
It is not persuasion
Forced pregnancy
He can take
Sex tapes

It is respect

It is not domination
It is not
My indifference
My shame
It is not
My taking it
Again and again
© GS 23 March 2017 All rights reserved
we are sovereign photo hands 14 copy 4 .20 c **
I wrote this after speaking with beautiful friend from Gujarat- After I had just reported to police, I had assumed her silence when I disclosed, was due to lack of empathy- I was devastated to find out that she had gone through similar experiences. GS

Hands on wall photo by Max Bender

#WeareSovereign #Consentis #SilenceHurts #NotOkay #BreaktheSilence #RapeSurvivor

I Couldn’t Name It

I Couldn’t Name It

I couldn’t name it
The enormity of the act
Putting it back
To erase
Stopping it
After it was
 already too late

I couldn’t control
It on the night
But afterwards
I, wanting to deny

If I could make it go away
By washing
Saying nothing
Speak in anonymity
To try to heal just me


In silence
His pain
His mental state
The reason
Like an accident
A thunderstorm
In a tea cup
Somebody to tell me
It was nothing
Is All I seek

The enormity
Already buried
Deep in me
In my shattered room
my heart
my womb
Which he wanted to impregnate
And did not bleed again
Since that day

The real name for this act
I could not say
The truth about my pain
My shame
I never wanted 
to acknowledge
He did this 
To me

He was
Cold as ice
I was petrified
He ignored my cries
He knew his needs
He meant it
every step
Every thrust

I said i didn’t
Want sex
I said I said
Said it again
He says
I know 
I should have been 
more careful
I didn’t realise 
what was at stake
It took a long time 
to get going 
cos of your pain
I could not find a name
for my heart ache

This violence
Soul level
Hurt my whole
tiny sensitivity
Trashed smashed
And left to bleed
It’s like he wanted to kill
What is inside me

Not put off by my screams
Not really
His erection
Tells me everything
Like coke and viagra
In his blood stream
Going going going
And going
No mercy or compassion
He drains all of hers
Sadistic pleasure 
In her devastation
Makin it her duty
To make him come

Afterwards when he
Left her home
He says he’ll stop it now
To protect us both
To protect himself later 
He knows his own danger
His rage
Only matched by his anger
When she  took the mornin after pill
 she was at   the hospital
His momentary terror
When he realises he might be
Called out on his behaviour
Arrested for 

Quickly superseded by swagger
And arrogance 
He doesn’t even ask
For a lawyer
So sure he can blag
And talk his way out of the corner
The police recorder no bother

He knows
Only the women get 
Accused of lying
He’s still laughing

She’s still grieving
Her insides still bleeding
Stomach still heaving
Spine burning
Throat rasping
She lost her appetite
Since that night

She never goes out
She just avoids
Her voice drowned out
In all the noise
Rape is a crime of choice
Vs no choice
It is not a story with two equal sides
It’s a violation of rights

It is an act of premeditation 
Not a misunderstanding of a situation 
He did not misread a signal
He knew full well. 

He manipulated his way in
He’ll manipulate his way out 
It takes a real skill 
To see what this is about

In the intoxication
Of waiting for something so long
You can overlook things that are wrong 

Don’t be fooled
Friends, family
And boys in blue
Don’t leave him 
Laughing at you

I couldn’t name it
Still no words 
To express this 
Terrified of pressing charges
Being called a bitch
Yet being told if he does it again on your head be it
Petrified of inciting 
His wrath
Perhaps that of neighbours too
I fell into the compassion trap
Then to be humiliated
By rape interview
They say no man never admits
What were you wearing ? 
You wouldn’t believe they still
Ask these questions 
The WPC made me say penis 
On video 
like otherwise it’s not true
Just in case you weren’t sure about my humiliation
Now you knew
Better than his letter
abandoning me to a 
living death, yes-
They dismiss  my trauma  
 casually as ordering extra croutons
Couldn’t name it
Some of the reasons

15 March 2017

#IcouldntNameIt #GirlSurvivor #MyBody #NoMeansNO #FearisNotConsent # RapeSurvivor
If you are in two minds whether to report or are afraid to speak out, you can call a SARC- your local sexual assault referral centre- It was a while before I found out – Would make all the difference to know about this and go there as soon as possible- they can be very helpful to help you decide if you want to report and get you tests done and counselling etc- Please reach out to try to find other survivors if you can- don’t be alone x GS

Photos with thanks to Kristina Flour and Marco de Waal

Prayer for my Room

Prayer for my Room

I watch her
Violence happened here 
I can’t abandon her
No matter how much
I still hear her screams 
No matter how much
She burns 
Under the cold glare 
of police neutrality 
I always said I wouldn’t be that girl
To beg to plead
To tell a man no no please
Then there was me 
All words masked by my own screams
Humiliated to the position he wanted me
A voice exploding in my head
“I did not agree!”
No words came out
He crushed my breath 
With his weight
His force
His swear words
From pornography
I tried to move my hips 
But he was too heavy
I lay there waiting for him to complete

So every story
has 2 sides 
Yeah, Like this one 
and my room
He violated us both
And one at a time

People talk of the power of rape
I want to strip that all away
Like he stripped my dignity
Long before he stripped my clothes
I couldn’t see
No, the wood for the trees
Sparrow in a net
Rabbit in headlights
Caught in a machine
As he squeezed me thru
Unmoved by my pain
and hers
no one heard
No cliches no words like these express
My fear, terror 

One girl is not enough
It would take a posse of women
To heal this
All with real powers 
Like witches
They could take us
Burn us at the stake, yes
Steal our herbs away
Replace them with pharmacy 
Penises cast in stone
The injuries he caused
Leaving me to feel like 
jelly and bone
As my body wastes away
I cling to life
By telephone cord 
And dull -lit screen
Since no friends wanna come round any more 
Afraid to be faced with true life catastrophe
When in reality it’s just one girl  tryin’ to heal

My room is like a quiet woman
She hangs her head in shame
Trying to make sense
Of the pornographic storm
That shattered her face
But for a few stains
After some kind of a bomb went off here

Still I watch her
Still she grieves
Silently she weeps
No one sees

I couldn’t leave her
Just like one bereaved
I curl up by her belly 
And I try to sleep

Can I hope to 
Console her?

So many wakeful nights
No need for cctv
The whole horror show
Plays inside of me

The ultimate control
If he could
Impregnate me

I woke up and it was spring
Daffodils are blooming
Last time I looked it was cold
It was new year
It was January 
My clock stopped there 
Now it’s too hot
For my too many clothes
Im löst  
Im still picking up stuff
Dropped on the floor
that night
no one knows
The grief my cries 
For those missing months
My Time
Gone forever
Together with the parts of me
They scraped away 
In the gynae suite

Stop tellin me, try therapy
What d ‘ya know
I Did that already
Stop throwing me futile leads
Some things
Are deeper than that
This wound is more than a gash
In our background
Of rape culture
New men like vultures
Circling for prey
When they hear what happened 
It’s not your fault
They say
Who’ll be the first
To call me a liar
I heard all these pointless words before
I heard them in my head again
Before you ever said them this time
I already made my decision
To speak out about this crime
You ignored my ‘no ‘
When you set up the justice system
Just so

I don’t see you in the streets 
At parliament
Protesting my rights
No matter
How much your handwringing afterwards
Yet you say you care 
While Wanting to assert your
Domination everywhere

I pray for my room
I pray for the law
I don’t pray for your souls
I don’t forgive you
While you still make me live this
Put us thru
This Hell on earth
I don’t pray to your god
I pray to my own
I reject your useless angels
And suggestions to do meditation
to go away for the weekend
As if that
Would solve anything

Rearranging the furnishings
Replacing bedding
And redecorating
After rape
Did not remove his and all the other men’s hate
And the memories i can’t erase

Too traumatised to go to bed or take a shower
As it reminds me of that morning after when I stayed there for an hour
Washing myself
Washing myself
Over and over
No tears, 
Not like in the movies
They took a month to come
Crying til I’m numb
Now they wash my face
UnTil it Runs
You never heard sobs 
And wails like this one

Sometimes the tears fall silently 
But they’re always there
Like Under the bright light
Of the police statement room
It went out
As in a power cut
“It’s movement sensitive” 
The detective said
It could not detect life in that room
You were laid down so still
Talking in a whisper
With your eyes closed
The policewoman was concentrating 
So She forgot to move her arm
It all went dark
Stopped your words that came right out of your heart
It happens, he said.. 
Always I noticed at the crucial moment though

 So I  froze
Just Like in the rape 
I didn’t shed a tear for four hours
No break
I broke down in the control room After they turned off the tape
2 police stare 
“Why are you crying?” They say
Like they don’t care
I apologise for taking up space
I pull myself together

Stop telling me “it’ll be ok -”
“It’s good to Let it all out”
Stop telling me 
What this is about
While you reap the spoils
Strut and swagger
Raise your shouts
To drown out my whisper
Now my voice is almost lost
I realise what it was for
I recognise the cost 
I pray
for so much more

10 March 2017 –

Photo with thanks to Valentina Alexandrovna

#NotOkay #RapeSurvivor #DontBeSilenced #MajorityofRapesCarriedOutInOrNeartheVictimsHome
#GirlSurvivor #MyBody #PrayerformyRoom

if you’re a survivor and you want to get in touch, don’t be afraid to reach out x

All That’s Left of Me

All That’s Left of Me

No one can touch me
Except in that place
It’s like he reached in
and injected his hate
I was looking for comfort
Yes one day
maybe love and sex
He took it all there and then
Threw my kindness in my face
Together with my naivety and trust
He grinded me with his anger and lust
That reached far beyond me
Beyond from the realms of pornography
Hate Crime
Try being at the sharp end
The violence and pain
I asked him you won’t get nasty will you?
He asked me, Why ?
Is that what other guys have done with you?
I said there was no one
in a long time.
He carried on through my fear
And tore into my preciousness
As if it was nothing
I didn’t exist
My body a quiet dummy
He dominant and
Crushing my pelvis under his
My face a stupid scream cowering
You like me fucking you do you
Yeah yeah
Slamming me with full force of a man
I didn’t understand
My insides went numb
He asked me how he compared to other men
Afterwards shock and terror
An hour in the shower
I pull myself together
The pain and confusion
I looked for comfort
I found only hate
I sought kindness
He said
Are you kind of a shy person?
You obviously get a lot of attention from men
Maybe you don’t find me attractive do you do you
You’re beautiful
I bet you get that all the time tho don’t you
I was impressed you seemed genuinely touched
But Maybe it’s just false modesty
You’re the classic blonde beauty aren’t you
He kept holding my hair near the roots
A real blonde aren’t you
Maybe I’m not your type
I said no I ‘m looking for someone who’s gentle and kind
He says D’you get a lot of unwanted attention from guys?
I don’t want to be one of those men always pestering
He said you’re really a nice person aren’t you I think you might be the
sweetest person I ever met didn’t have you down for sexy poet you’re all
hearts and roses aren’t you
Let me look at your body
Haven’t you ever had sex with someone you didn’t really know?
“Are you really that fragile?”
“Yes”, I says
He asked me
Did another guy force you before?
He said I’d better not intimidate you
Maybe sex isn’t for you
If it hurt when I did it.

I say no the issue is not sex it’s consent
there are no other men
There is no comparison
There is only you
It’s just a misunderstanding
My face in the pillow cowering
He shouts at me
Is that a pattern with you and men?
Is that a pattern with you, you argue?
I pleaded for gentleness
please just come
I can’t take much more of this
Not understanding
What I was dealing with
He told me get on top of him
“Now you’re in control,” he said
His face a mask of anger
I realised it’s not passion I’m looking at
my screams that came with
Pain like being stabbed
He said you’re not very old are you? You’re quite young aren’t you?
I’m a lot older than you aren’t I? D’you know how old I am?
Kneeling on me asking to come on my breasts
Asked me to touch him
I was useless
Ok Just don’t do it in my face I says
He wrote me a letter complained he saw a sad look in my eye afterwards
Imagined me engulfed by demons and darkness and loneliness like a
sense of deja vu
Maybe he did it to someone else too
He wrote, I felt I was abandoning you
To a fate worse than death
When I left and your door closed behind me today
He put a curse
It’s like he knew
On the phone I cry “I said I didn’t want sex! ”
He says Yes. I know
I should have been more careful
I didn’t realise what was at stake.
It took a long time to get going
Because of your pain
It became unprotected intercourse
Because of your clenching
He didn’t explain why he been laughing
I’m laid there in shock he let me know the contraceptive was off -I’m on
my back , the room swims
Feeling violated and Ill -He joked about getting me pregnant now he’s
angry I got the morning after pill – he’d stood up and said “I’ve not been
tested in a long time” I turned on my face crying -he increase
yelling – soon after that he ask for sex again – now he says
I’m not saying you’re damaged goods .. but I had enough of the physical
I said I spent the afternoon in the hospital afterwards
He said, See, that’s what I mean.
He said Sex is the test
If there is no connection
and it’s true
I failed to satisfy him

We can still
talk play music, be friends ,
Until I say
I recognised this as his power game
He was angry cos he couldn’t have me
I tried to appease his low self esteem
Not realising the danger I was in
He already agreed what he was doing wasn’t nice ..
As he assaulted me
the first time
still forcing
he said
I guess I just find you irresistible
Grabbing me hard round my waist
As I lay turned away in sadness and pain
He said “I’ve never known a blonde”
Now he he says the one he violated he’s tried and doesn’t want
He says I’m saying this to protect us both
because I care
To my girlfriend who said he never bothered me, he’s awkward , he
rarely got a date
It wasn’t random -he stole the condoms from your room
He wasn’t over eager, a mistake- he set me up , he premeditated
It was late – he worked for you – you could have paid a cab to send him
on his way- i should never be left fending him off in the first place- I was
scared to press charges, you tried to dissuade.
For all my guy friends who like to speculate -about what could really
Saying Porn is a symptom, not a cause- probably cos you don’t wanna
give up yours
I spent way too much time trying to understand the feelings of a man who
never gave a shit about mine
For the guys who are dying for me to write .. who say you always
wondered what it was like –
You never got close to someone who knows .. let me tell you then, your
ears were closed .. one in four women ..
just listen ..

my doctor says , was he a coloured man? It says in the papers they’re the
ones always break the law – I says there’s plenty white guys committing
this crime – they just get away with it more- you, you’re a man of colour,
asking me that? – none of these myths help any of us, that’s for sure
Perpetrator told me he jerked off to porn-
When he’s not getting any, he said
I said its violent to females -it’s nasty
He asked me “who’s nasty? You mean the women nasty?”
I’m pretty sure he watched films that feature girls who look like me
He searched for my vulnerability
All the while shouting so I freeze – I reject what he asks me
He said “i might be on meds for all you know”
Afterwards , and his dark letter- I to told myself He was just bonkers-
Crazy -all the same -made
The pain easier to bear
But he can go all day at his work place without hurting anyone there
He chose and put me in a position of no choice.
I lost my voice for six weeks
The stress of trying to raise it to speak
I got doctors asking me when I last bleed
Abrasions on my sweet parts where he pounded me
I don’t wanna touch my own breasts let alone down there yes
Now I got to worry if I got the hiv
Do I leap off a high building
Just to be free
I’m a prisoner in my own crime scene
Will the police help me
Or is justice only for princesses
And for assailants with money to slay witnesses
Some days I can barely raise my head
I’m tormented by the things he did and said-
I m still raw – my private insides burning – and inflammation in my spine
where he jumped up and down on me – I’m not a machine -real live
Women can’t take the things you see in films
it’s like
Kind of hazy
But in sharp focus
My trauma on a tape loop
Full colour
24 hours
Now I sleep in my clothes
My body doesn’t feel like my own
The pain so deep inside my belly and vagina a cruel reminder
He came and did this in my home
He blagged his way in
Too strong a word
Terrified to say the reality of rape.

19 February 2017 –

This was the first thing I wrote afterwards – some people asked me to share it-
i wanted to relay what it is really like to go through something like this-
If you are reading this and you have experienced similar- Strength and hugs, respect.

#NotOkay #RapeSurvivor  #DontBeSilenced
#GirlSurvivor #MyBody #AllThatsLeftofMe

Wall of Silence

Wall of Silence

We don’t have to look to Isis
Nor Al Qaeda
The crisis is right here
Stop silencing
Stop the gas-lighting
Stop denying my
this very existence
Stop the hate
You rape
Then say it’s nothing
Laws all made by men
Privileging men
black, white and brown
Stop calling me a whore
Just for speaking out
Stop punishing me
Saying I can’t be believed
Stop ostracising me
You listen only to your own  police
I have no ally in this band of thieves
You attack my femininity like I’m the
Original Eve

Take from me then deny it ever
belonged to me you claim I gave
freely when you heard my screams
You say it was my fantasy when
you saw me bleed
You felt my tears
She who was in your dreams
You plotted and schemed to trap
me then attack me you covered your  tracks
Desperate so you can say
She retracted her story
No she did not and she never will
This is not a story it is factual
It is not an allegation it’s
A report

You think the only thing
that counts is court
Laughing with your
jury of peers
who all cover their ears
Burden of proof to
Fall always on the daughters
You so comfortable here
Don’t even ask for
Your designated lawyer
There was never one for her
You know  the only protection
was for the perpetrator
Think you’ll intimidate me
With your silence and sneers
Your anti woman jeers
Consent is not fear
It is not intimidation
It is not trapping someone into a situation
It is not pretending to have a close relation
It is not your own alcohol and substance inebriation
Bet You didn’t put yourself in that altered state
To plead your innocence at the police station

Consent is not
Sorry for you
It is not
me saying no
While you perpetrate what you want regardless
It is not taking a kind caring woman
And calling her a ho
You knew it was no
It is not inventing anything you can to make it not so
You, twice my weight, twice my size
Dead weight on my hips
I could not prise
Stop the lies
Like the whole world is your ally

I decide
what I want
Not you
Not him
Not that man there
Not that woman who said
‘He’s always been alright with me
He is like my brother’
This is my Body
I decide
i was clear
You are not welcome here
You never were
Intruder in my room pushed your way in
Stop wrapping up your fears and
Blaming it on her
You are responsible
You made a choice
It is not a case of boys will be boys
You do not get to drown out my voice

That a man should be held accountable
for damage he’s done
Is this too much to ask ?
I’m tearing down your rapists mask
This wall of silence
You throw in my face
Like the bloody insult you are
You all collude
Complicit you
This despicable crime
You carry out
Behind closed doors
Or in full view
Then walk away
And say it wasn’t you
It was you
You knew then
Know now
Stand up
Be a man
Hold up your hands
Acknowledge your violence

© GS

photo with thanks to Jairo Alzato #jairoalzato
#NotOkay #RapeSurvivor #GirlSurvivor #WallofSilence




These are my writings of how I got through. I hope it might help someone else, or just inform people, who might otherwise be in the dark- or not think about this stuff much.  If you are going through similar – sending you big love and respect- Whoever you are  thank you for coming by  and reading- and or reaching out.

© GS

Photo with thanks to Volkan Olmez #VolkanOlmez

This site and content created by Girl Survivor ©2017 All rights reserved
Guest artists credited accordingly- Thank you everyone
#NotOkay #RapeSurvivor #GirlSurvivor #DontBeSilenced