I Can’t Talk

I Can’t Talk

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I can’t talk
Words don’t come
I feel sick
and kind of numb
You say
Don’t be sad
I’m not
Ok I am
You say
“I mean
Don’t be sad because
of me”
I says, I’m not
Ok I am
Sad but
Not because of you
It’s not about you
I’m not sad I’m scared
OK I been crying
I’m crying all the time
Or never at all
I cried in my dreams
When I was silent
Like my screams,
Only other girls who went
Through this
Understand what I mean

©GS

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#GirlSurvivor #RapeSurvivor #relationships #abuseSurvivor #communication #fightforlife #Trauma #NoJustice #AnnaJuliet #femalePoet #Numb

When Every Dream’s a Nightmare

When Every Dream’s a Nightmare

I wrote this about post trauma stress- if you’re a survivor. take care reading- big hug to you xx
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When every dream is a nightmare
Every time I close my eyes
I see horror
I see violence
There is no space for peace
Every time I lie down
I remember
I feel forever
What happened that night
Like a pattern
I can’t deny
My cries like gulls cries
Embedded in the air
like the ghost of me
still. always will
haunt this place

Those who turned away
So many
Who called their names as friends
Melted away or ran
Or said their time
Was so precious
They could not spare a drop
To drop by
When I was on my knees
Begging for please
Help me please
They could walk away
So easily
Always so busy
I said
What did I do

Forgive me
It’s hard for you
But look look I live it

Please look I
Survived it
Please

You say you look at me and see
The damage he did
The blood he shed
You hear my screams
Like the screams of the dead
Even if I  joke and laugh
You see
The sadness in my eyes
The very sadness
This haunted sadness
The assailant criticised

Where I tried to look happy
Satisfied
To satisfy him
To avoid his anger
after

So it replays
Like it was
today
He looks at me strange
As if to say

What’s wrong with you
Bitch
Don’t you know I just
Fucked you over
Do you like it weird
Fucked up vampire sex
Is that what you like
Do you do you?
Where are my clothes?
Pick up my pants!

He yells at me
After the rape
After the devastate
When it was already
Too late
He had already
Showed his hate
His contempt
His distaste
I couldn’t face
There was no escape
Whichever way
Only damage and pain

I had to take
the path of the least resistance
The one that looked the least
Pain only it was that
Led me to hell
He set a trap

In a split second he knew
Me so well
Found my weaknesses
In one glance
Saw vulnerability
Like a main chance
Meds on liquor plus
Must use viagra to
enhance
His aggression
His altered state
A 55 year old performance
To concrete dominance
Swearing pornographic words
To keep his erection
A weapon of only
Pain

Forced from a desire
Only to hurt
Pleasure only
To demean
As he assaulted me
I lay
Dumbstruck
But for my screams
My wordless cries of
Pain
Shame and
Horror

The policewoman asked
Me what did you scream
Are there words to
A scream
Of shock and pain
Hurt and disbelief?

It was like hot iron
thru my deepest
Inside skin
This is what I mean
When I say
Pain

He shouted at me when I cried
Tears of fear and bewilderment
He shouted
Is that a pattern with you
And men
Is that a pattern with you
You argue?

I said no
Til I could not say no any more
Does that make it
Not rape any more?
Consent is not fear
Petrification
He taking me to the gates of
My worst nightmare
Drove me through
And left me there
He wrote me in the hours
Afterwards I was still
At the hospital  he
Said I felt
I was abandoning you
To a fate worse than death

Yes
You were
Please
Abandon me
All I want is
For you
Never to return

That is all I fought for
Ever since you came
In and declared war

I looked
For a place of safety
I ran straight back
Into the hands
Of the perpetrator
or the friends of his who
brought him and covered for
him here

There was no escape
In this place I called home
Every time
I came up for air
I encountered another
One who didn’t care
Just another
Nightmare
Rescue me
From this never ending
Nightmare

© GS
♥💖

💖 You don’t have to rise above anything

Photo with thanks to Ali Gnone

#PostTraumaStress #PTSD #RapeSurvivor #GirlSurvivor #IBelieveYou #AnnaJuliet
#NoMore #NotAlone #BreakTheSilence #DontBeSilenced #MyBody #Woman #AbuseSurvivor #PostTraumaStressInjury