miss love

miss love

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I love you darling
You are my heart
I love to swim in salty water with you
and touch you in the night
I love it when you hold me
I don’t let many people see me cry

I miss your cooking
I miss your cat
I miss your hugs
I miss you

I don’t miss a beat
when you’re here with me
I want you be always there with you
I’ m just better
I just get there with you

I don’t want to go on without you
I love my life with you
when I’m on my own I miss your arms
around me
I miss you
kiss you
cari ti
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©GS
#GirlSurvivor #love  #relationships #abuseSurvivor #communication #fightforlife #Trauma #NoJustice #AnnaJuliet #femalePoet #UnNumb #body #you #MissYou #AnnaJuliet

I Can’t Talk

I Can’t Talk

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I can’t talk
Words don’t come
I feel sick
and kind of numb
You say
Don’t be sad
I’m not
Ok I am
You say
“I mean
Don’t be sad because
of me”
I says, I’m not
Ok I am
Sad but
Not because of you
It’s not about you
I’m not sad I’m scared
OK I been crying
I’m crying all the time
Or never at all
I cried in my dreams
When I was silent
Like my screams,
Only other girls who went
Through this
Understand what I mean

©GS

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#GirlSurvivor #RapeSurvivor #relationships #abuseSurvivor #communication #fightforlife #Trauma #NoJustice #AnnaJuliet #femalePoet #Numb

Too to

Too to

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Too unstable to be raped
Too quiet to be raped
Too loud to be raped
Too rude to be raped
Too outgoing to be raped
Too beautiful to be raped
Too much of a mess to be raped
Now that she has been raped
I mean who would anyway?
Look at the state

Too full of tears
And back ache to be raped
I mean maybe she was in pain before he raped her
So it can’t be rape

Too much audacity
She reached out to other survivors
Without the support of police

Too polite, happy and looked like she was
getting on fine with the perpetrator to be raped
He played the bass
I was there at the gig that night
He was always alright with me
I am a single mother and he
Worked with old ladies
My mum knew him and
He never gave us any problems
Ok he has dropped pornographic comments
And he is awkward around women he doesn’t know
I don’t know why
He always carried a condom
But he was always allright with me

Oh he has to stop doing that
“ Overriding no “ thing
He is too pushy
Too eager, too over excited
Too immature
Too domineering, with an entitled attitude to women
Too demanding to take no for an answer
You’re a strong woman
Maybe you wouldn’t have minded so much
If you weren’t a strong woman

I am weak now
I stay home with my head bowed
Afraid to go out
Get told I am aggressive That i did shout
Now
Plead and beg for help
But it fell on deaf ears
As I used the wrong tone
Though my voice had died and
It would barely come out
Still I try to speak out
Still I tried to reach out
They said you changed your story
Changed your mind
You told us cuz
It is how you will be defined
If you don’t know your own mind
“How would he reasonably know you weren’t consenting?”
As if rapists were reasonable men
Yh I know you said you were screaming in pain
But tell me,
Describe your underwear again

Can you explain consent law again?
Because it is about will
It is about did you want what he did?
Did you agree to all of it?
Of course not
He knew
He said he knew
He said it’s not nice what I’m doing
Has anyone else been nasty with you
Did someone try to force you before?

Too quiet to rape
Why didn’t you scream for help?
Not just scream in pain
Why are you shouting
Why are you so angry?
Maybe that is the problem
Maybe you hate men
He never had a girlfriend
Not in two decades
But his last one
Was his best mate
Maybe the problem is your race
Too old to rape
The perpetrator was angry
He said “you’re quite young
Aren’t you
How old are you?
Did you used to be a model?”
Grabbing my hair too
He said:
“Do you know how old I am?
I’ve never known a blonde.”

“Rape is not a hate crime..
It’s just misogyny”
Which to save you
Looking in the dictionary
translates as “Hatred
Of women.”

Just to be clear
This is the voice of a policeman
Smirking
He said: “Injuries, so what?
What does that prove ?”
A man jumping up and down on you
The damage sixteen stone can do
“I believe you perceived you weren’t consenting
The suspect said it was all consensual
All the torture
He put your body through
Though you said it was rough and painful”
No. I said HE was really rough and
He hurt me.
I am in agony
Please
Let me see a doctor
Please
Please don’t let him near me
I am terrified
I am afraid to go outside
Since that night

Too young to know better
Too sexy to be raped
Too ugly to rape
Too stupid to be rape
Too clever to rape
Too flighty to rape
Too unreliable to rape
Too disabled to rape
Too full of fear to rape
Too flirty to rape
Too potentially mentally ill to rape
If you count the PTSD
She sustained along with her physical injuries
During the rape
No visible injuries
Skeletal bruising goes too deep
Internal bruising and lacerations
Maybe your shower gel was too cheap.
You didn’t let me see a doctor for weeks
Then invent other reasons for my
Injuries

Too boring to rape
Too pretty to be taken seriously
Too intelligent to be raped
Too assertive to be raped
Too outspoken to be raped
Too much of a strong lady to be raped
She didn’t appear distressed
When she was making her complaint
Maybe she was putting on a brave face
But who does that
After rape

Too fat to be raped
Too thin to be raped
Too distracted to be raped
She talked about the same things again and again
With a phenomenal amount of detail
That is not normal
She has always been consistent

Too resistant

Too educated to be raped
Too stupid to be taken seriously
She put herself at risk
She asked for it
He injured her
But she wanted it
She wasn’t clear
She was too clear
She inflamed his temper
She fell asleep during the movie
She didn’t make him feel chemistry
She
She
Never he
Stop blaming the victim
Stop the shaming
It is you who should be ashamed
This is not a game
It is a crime
The perpetrator carried on
Despite her refusal
He wasn’t blind to
Her terror
Resistance
Screams
Reluctance
Tears
Pain
Her cowering
Her pleading
He carried on regardless
He didn’t worry about her being
Too anything

©GS
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Sometimes I Don’t Feel Like Talking

Sometimes I Don’t Feel Like Talking

Sometimes I don’t feel like talking
Sometimes I wanna be quiet
I’m not hostile
Because I didn’t smile
Touch me when I don’t want
That is hostile
Impose upon me when
I said no
That is hostile
I try to defend myself
You say I’m rude
Aggressive
You even say it’s abuse
Yet all those things
Man did:
You excuse
He said she consented
It must be true

Did you ask me
What I wanted
It’s my body
I said no
I said no
I said no
Put me under duress
Then say I accept
I didn’t
You didn’t read me my rights
I had no counsel
No time
Nobody to describe my plight
No way to understand
How frightened
How terrorised
How unable to move
Or take flight

They told me
to make my statement
lying down
Because of the pain
Of the injuries
He caused to my body
I could not sit up
I could barely speak
Yet you say that
Is normality
I am so full of grief
Sometimes I don’t want to eat
I forgot for weeks
The first month
I survived on coffee
I could not sleep
I lay on the floor
Where I would have been
At his feet
I could not disrobe
As I could not bear
To touch my own body

A policeman called
He yelled at me
I was on the floor
Crying
It was just after dawn
He yells
I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN YOUR FEELINGS
Give me your evidence!
Now!
If you have any

I wept
No
I can’t
It hurts to speak
I am on the floor
I’ve been here
All night
Crying since five
I can’t think straight
I am too weak
I am in pain
I can’t
He shouts

YES
YOU
CAN

Are you going to co- operate?
Do you want us to investigate?
We listened to you for FOUR HOURS you took FOUR HOURS on video
Nobody takes FOUR HOURS!

I was silent
he said
Right
I’m not going to allow you to give any more evidence
It is finished
We have enough
For us
I know this means
Enough to shut you up
Enough
To stuff you up
Enough
To let the rapist off
He yells again
We are talking to HIS friends
He says he has more to Show us
I says what?
He goads
“I can’t tell you that…”

Police are like a gang
with the perpetrator
I can’t explain
This terror

I have no more breath
I try to ring my next appointment
I picked up the phone and all that
Came out were sobs and screams
And tears
I could not speak any more
It was just the hairdresser
He said Oh oh
Call the doctor
I said it’s ok
I’m not ill
Just scared
Just scared
That’s all.
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©GS
🦋

#AnnaJuliet #GirlSurvivor #RapeSurvivor #BelieveHer #NoMore #StopRape #BreakThe Silence #DontBeSilenced #AbuseSurvivor #WomensLivesMatter #GirlsLivesMatter #PoliceBrutality #InstitutionalMisogyny #EndVictimShaming

Keep Writing

Keep Writing

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We keep writing out the silences
Hoping for a remission
In this constant oppression
Me and my sisters
Report men’s crimes
Like it’s our own confession
Still we live with this daily suppression
Police say things like
You liked him
By your own admission
By your manner and your
Underwear
You gave him permission
I cannot live in this
Derogatory rule
The one that taught me
I am secondary
Since before school
You are a minor
Then you are a female
be good and respectable
This includes
A blind eye to abuse
A woman’s truth
Eradication of my youth
& My right to choose
My right to refuse
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We keep writing out the silences
Speaking out
And paying the price for it
Those saying I am not nice for it
Those saying I am full of lies for it
We have evidence to back up our
Meticulous truth
The brutes have only
Their brutality
Their numbers and
The so -called legal system
in all it’s glory
Their ignorance and dismissal
Of trauma
and injury
Their deliberate blind stupidity
Determination to silence us
no matter the violence
Keep racking up our sufferance
We already extended our tolerance
Beyond all
What normality
Could comprehend
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Rape is a hate crime
Not an I can’t wait crime
It is a crime of anger
Bitterness of entitled men
Who refuse to regard
Certain of us as human
And their sleazeball
Cowardly friends
Who lie for them
and back them.
Desire for
what he thinks
he can’t have

A woman or girl leaves the
Situation distressed
Dishevelled
Feeling like hell
Because of how he,
the perpetrator
treated her.
Who scorned
And unleashed contempt
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Then one day
When a kind man
Held me in his arms
I didn’t know
What it was like
To be with someone
Who respected my no
Who cares enough
It mattered to him
Without an argument
Without coercion,
Rage
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I keep writing the truth on every page

©GS

Look

Look

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See yourself thru my eyes,
I wish I could always
See myself thru yours,
One who loves you
and adores what
You think are your flaws

©GS
you are beautiful

#AnnaJuliet #LoveYourself #GirlSurvivor  #BeYourOwnBestFriend
#NeverGiveUp #YouAreBeautiful  #YouAre Enough #YouRock
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Just as you are.
♥GS

When Every Dream’s a Nightmare

When Every Dream’s a Nightmare

I wrote this about post trauma stress- if you’re a survivor. take care reading- big hug to you xx
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When every dream is a nightmare
Every time I close my eyes
I see horror
I see violence
There is no space for peace
Every time I lie down
I remember
I feel forever
What happened that night
Like a pattern
I can’t deny
My cries like gulls cries
Embedded in the air
like the ghost of me
still. always will
haunt this place

Those who turned away
So many
Who called their names as friends
Melted away or ran
Or said their time
Was so precious
They could not spare a drop
To drop by
When I was on my knees
Begging for please
Help me please
They could walk away
So easily
Always so busy
I said
What did I do

Forgive me
It’s hard for you
But look look I live it

Please look I
Survived it
Please

You say you look at me and see
The damage he did
The blood he shed
You hear my screams
Like the screams of the dead
Even if I  joke and laugh
You see
The sadness in my eyes
The very sadness
This haunted sadness
The assailant criticised

Where I tried to look happy
Satisfied
To satisfy him
To avoid his anger
after

So it replays
Like it was
today
He looks at me strange
As if to say

What’s wrong with you
Bitch
Don’t you know I just
Fucked you over
Do you like it weird
Fucked up vampire sex
Is that what you like
Do you do you?
Where are my clothes?
Pick up my pants!

He yells at me
After the rape
After the devastate
When it was already
Too late
He had already
Showed his hate
His contempt
His distaste
I couldn’t face
There was no escape
Whichever way
Only damage and pain

I had to take
the path of the least resistance
The one that looked the least
Pain only it was that
Led me to hell
He set a trap

In a split second he knew
Me so well
Found my weaknesses
In one glance
Saw vulnerability
Like a main chance
Meds on liquor plus
Must use viagra to
enhance
His aggression
His altered state
A 55 year old performance
To concrete dominance
Swearing pornographic words
To keep his erection
A weapon of only
Pain

Forced from a desire
Only to hurt
Pleasure only
To demean
As he assaulted me
I lay
Dumbstruck
But for my screams
My wordless cries of
Pain
Shame and
Horror

The policewoman asked
Me what did you scream
Are there words to
A scream
Of shock and pain
Hurt and disbelief?

It was like hot iron
thru my deepest
Inside skin
This is what I mean
When I say
Pain

He shouted at me when I cried
Tears of fear and bewilderment
He shouted
Is that a pattern with you
And men
Is that a pattern with you
You argue?

I said no
Til I could not say no any more
Does that make it
Not rape any more?
Consent is not fear
Petrification
He taking me to the gates of
My worst nightmare
Drove me through
And left me there
He wrote me in the hours
Afterwards I was still
At the hospital  he
Said I felt
I was abandoning you
To a fate worse than death

Yes
You were
Please
Abandon me
All I want is
For you
Never to return

That is all I fought for
Ever since you came
In and declared war

I looked
For a place of safety
I ran straight back
Into the hands
Of the perpetrator
or the friends of his who
brought him and covered for
him here

There was no escape
In this place I called home
Every time
I came up for air
I encountered another
One who didn’t care
Just another
Nightmare
Rescue me
From this never ending
Nightmare

© GS
♥💖

💖 You don’t have to rise above anything

Photo with thanks to Ali Gnone

#PostTraumaStress #PTSD #RapeSurvivor #GirlSurvivor #IBelieveYou #AnnaJuliet
#NoMore #NotAlone #BreakTheSilence #DontBeSilenced #MyBody #Woman #AbuseSurvivor #PostTraumaStressInjury